Friendship Compatibility Test

There are some things you should know about me if we’re going to be friends:

 

I will drop you if you wrong me. Stab me in the back, and I’ll stab back. That’s not true. Honestly, I don’t even know what that means. If you wrong me, that’s okay. One of my favorite philosophers, Andre 3000, stated in a Ke$ha song, “He’s human, you’re human, I’m human, we’ll forgive him.” I don’t think you could word it more eloquently.

This is a no-drama zone. If you come at me with your harsh looks or you try to steal my man, expect a beatdown. Again, I’m sorry. More lies. For one, I don’t have a “man.” I have a “wife,” and while our house may be a drama-free zone, that’s only an incidental benefit brought about by us being awesome.

I’m fiercely loyal. That’s not true. I’m the normal level of loyal.

I will judge the crap out of you for judging others in any way. It’s a vengeful justice, done for those relationships I’ve lost due to my own narrow-mindedness. I’m the Batman of hypocrisy, bitches.

While we’re on the subject of hypocrisy, I should tell you now that, as an actor, I can’t stand 97% of actors. Ryan Gosling makes up the other 3%.

I’m an actor, not because I seek fame and fortune, but because I believe Shakespeare captured all that humanity is. Well, okay, this one’s partly true. I am an actor, but honestly, I don’t really like Shakespeare. I’m sure he was great back in the day, but when I read his stuff now, the language is kinda funky sounding. I don’t mind high-brow theatre, just speak American.

I don’t like the Beatles I JUST DON’T.

I own a dog that I got from a breeder, and I’m okay with that. You’d be okay with it, too, if you met him. Or you could not meet him and stop judging me. I think that would be best. Yeah, let’s do that one.