Hot-Button Holidays: How to Survive Awkward Talks

The holidays are here! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and then, before we know it, it’ll be the mother of all holidays, the hit-maker that spawned such calendar-friendly hits as Easter and, to a lesser extent, Halloween! Of course, I’m talking about Christmas. So as you prepare to spend more than you know you should for a plane ticket that will lead you back to where you were born, you should also take some time to prepare yourself for those awkward conversations that are bound to arise when so many people, bonded by only blood, are shoved together in a technicolor living room of green and red.

Below is a list of subjects that may or may not come up at the dinner table tomorrow or during gift exchanges on Christmas. I’ve detailed how to approach each hot-button issue depending on the audience. Let’s begin, shall we?!

Abortion

Ah, everyone’s favorite! You’re either an anti-progressive bigot who opposes a woman’s right to choose, or you’re a close-minded murderous hypocrite who is too caught up in your own liberal agenda to recognize our country’s own little genocide. Needless to say, abortion can cause quite the uprising on both sides. In fact, most people nowadays know to avoid the subject of abortion, as it conjures disdain among even the sweetest of gift-givers and yam-eaters. Still, should the social no-no of even mentioning such a subject be committed, there are ways to come out of it alive. See below:

1.) The Pro-Choice Stance: First of all, you’re an idiot. Second, even idiots deserve to enjoy their holidays, so let’s ignore the fact that you wish death upon the unborn adorables. Stay away from words like “right,” as in, “It’s her right/his right.” Stay away from words like “government.” That one’s a big no-no. Pro-life people hate government almost as much as they hate abortion, but taking a stance against government for the sake of choice is, to put it gently, throwing gas on the fire. You appeal to the good-natured Republican first as level headed, only to then reveal your psychosis.

Instead, switch the subject. It’s the only way to get out of this alive. Ask the questions; don’t answer them. Say, “Why is abortion evil but the death penalty is not? Why is it okay to kill someone who has ruined another’s life, but not okay to, for the sake of argument, ‘kill’ something else that is ruining another’s life?” You’ll likely be met by circular arguments, uncomfortable silences, and perhaps the word “elitist.” However, this will give you enough time to get up and grab some cold turkey.

2.) The Pro-Life Stance. First of all, call yourself what you are. Everyone’s “pro-life.” You’re anti-abortion, and you should be proud of it. Admit that there are extremists who give normal, anti-abortion people a bad name. Ask whether they believe in evolution and what the textbooks say about the “first form of life.” Was it a fully realized organism or just a cell? Spoiler alert: It was a cell. Finally, stay away from the subject of legislation. In fact, stay away from the subject of anything regarding abortion. You’re anti-abortion, so you should be smart enough to be anti-abortion-holiday-conversation.

Homosexual Marriage

Gay marriage is abortion’s dirty stepchild in the family of uncomfortable conversations. You’re not likely to find a pro-life person who is also pro-gay marriage, and the same types of tactics must be applied as in the case of abortion. Unlike abortion, however, gay marriage doesn’t quite elicit the same guttural response. You won’t get words like “murder.” You’ll hear words like “institution,” which is a more civil way of saying “Butt sex is gross.” Let’s begin.

1.) You’re pro-gay marriage. First of all, good for you. Who gives a crap, am I right? Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Fine, gay marriage isn’t that big of a deal. You know that. I know that. But don’t use any analogies or comparisons involving the “Civil Rights movement.” Not being able to sign a particular document is not akin to being oppressed and undervalued by white people for centuries. It’s just not. Get off your high horse, and realize that people hold sentimental attachments to things they think are very important, i.e., the sexual exclusivity of marriage. Cut them some slack, but don’t back down. This is a conversation you can win if you approach it humbly.

2.) You’re anti-gay marriage. If you start a phrase with, “Adam and Eve, not….” then I wish bad fortune upon your household. Let’s stay away from bumper-sticker slogans, just this once, k? The worst thing you can do in this conversation is bring up the intentions of God. Why? Because it presupposes a belief in God, the Bible, and a modern-day conservative interpretation of it. Doing this brings up loads of problems. You’re using your own opinions to justify your opinions, which is poor debating. Stick to facts. Gay marriage could potentially cause problems for the tax-free statuses of churches. Go with that. Why should churches be punished for practicing what they preach, even if one disagrees with it? You’ll likely lose this one, but it’ll end nicely. Everyone will be glad when the conversation inevitably turns to Tim Tebow.

Immigration

Immigration surged in popularity a couple years ago, so it’s usually now only brought up by people subtly, or by people simply lookin’ for a fight. You might hear something like, “It’s just like those Mexicans [or other race/nationality].” Know at this point you’re dealing with ignorance and reason will not suffice. Avoid talking to this person or advancing the mode of thought. Others might more directly throw immigration out because they’re bored and the eggnog was good. They might bring it up in a liberal sense and try to use it to justify other liberal views.

“Music piracy is just like immigration!”

Avoid engaging with this person, but do mimic their action of having another eggnog. You clearly need it.

Evolution

You may find yourself mentioning evolution, as it is easily brought up in reference to sociology. Many subjects will harken back to evolution, like the subject of child discipline or the subject of environmentalism. Whatever you do, do not engage with a young-Earth creationist. The reason for this is simple but profound: they’re smarter than you.

It’s true. The average young-Earth creationist has studied a ridiculous amount of young-Earth material and can therefore destroy your belief in evolution before you realize it was even a belief. You’ll get the baby-creationists, sure, but those are like children. You mustn’t take them seriously. The baby-creationists will say things like, “Ahem, isn’t it still a theory?” You will want to off yourself right then and there, but don’t. Just walk away. But the more serious young-Earth creationists will explain the fallacies of carbon-dating, the gaps in the fossil record, and the effects that a worldwide flood would have on the Earth. None of this really matters, because all they’re really saying is, “I believe the Bible, literally.” And this is where you should take the subject.

Ubiquitous literal Bible interpretations are so asinine that you must detach yourself emotionally from the conversation and simply enjoy the ride. Bring up shellfish. The length of a man’s beard. Bring up Jonas. It’s an old trick used by atheists, but it’s a goodie. Ask about the juncture of literalism and holiness. Let the chips fall where they may. Eggnog isn’t needed on this one. You’ll get your satisfaction.

Environmentalism

Environmentalism is a fading hot-button issue. More people recycle these days, sure. There’s been a definite increase in the commonality of cloth grocery bags. But all in all, no one really freaks out about the icecaps. Weird how that happens, huh? I love America. Still, the nuts are still out there, acting like environmentalism is the breaking news story in every paper, on every blog, and on your evening news. It’s not. It’s done. It’s dead. Agree that while some of the facts may have been skewed, we still shouldn’t be wasting resources. We should recycle, even if we know it’s probably not going to buy our green marble even another millisecond of time. Don’t bring up words  like “rapture,” or a “new Earth,” because you’ll turn more people away from Christianity than the Westboro Baptist Church.

Conclusion

Hot-button issues are bound to arise this holiday season. And while it’s best to avoid them, sometimes a healthy conversation can lead to a new way of thinking. Personally speaking, my faith is being radically changed right now by a man named Peter Rollins and his book, Insurrection. The difference between Rollins and the conversations you could wind up having this holiday season is that Mr. Rollins speaks calmly and lovingly to his audience. We’re all people with different views and ideas, and no one person is the sum of their stances. And neither is God. This holiday season, remember that the way you treat your relatives, friends, and strangers, is a thousand times more important than your most dearly held opinion.